Tonight, I have another wonderful ‘Guest Post’ for you all to enjoy.
Todays author would like to be known as EMT Tom. All I know about him, is that he is a EMT working in the UK, and he seems he has been around a little while, as what he writes about will strike a cord with the vast majority of us.
He certainly made me giggle more than once!
Remember, if you have a story you would like to share, but dont have a blog of your own or an outlet for you thoughts, then jot them down and email them to me at email@example.com, and your story could be gracing my pages too.
Anyway, without further ado, over to EMT Tom :
I was reading The Happy Medic’s blog (a very good one at that), and his list of ‘101 Things Your Fire Department Wishes You Knew’ inspired me to write my own UK Ambulance equivalent.
I’m not even going to pretend this was a remotely original idea, but hey!
1. I know exactly what “just a few” means. When I tell you this, and offer you the chance to end this ridiculous conversation and let me treat you, don’t argue with me simply because you’re being stubborn. Also, your pupils are the size of dinner plates. You’ve not just had alcohol.
2. I don’t care whether your friend “would never take drugs”, because she has. And now she can barely breathe for herself.
3. I’m not the police. Be honest with me, and I will be with you. Otherwise, I’m quite happy to terrify you and tell you that “I’m not sure what’s going on because I’m not very well trained”. You wouldn’t like it if we lied back to you!
4. No, you’re not dying. That’s why I’m telling you to go the hell home. With all due respect.
5. “Can you call us a taxi?”
“Yeah sure. Do me a favour and take my next call?”
6. If you DON’T know the person we’re treating, do you mind awfully not standing over my shoulder and just going away. In fact, even if you do know them, the same applies to you.
7. I’ve not asked you to stop smoking on moral grounds, it’s just that I don’t fancy this O2 cylinder blowing up in my face.
8. Keep your head still. Keep your head still. KEEP – YOUR – HEAD – STILL.
9. No you haven’t seen me on the telly, and I doubt that the medic you actually did see was “awful”, or it wouldn’t have been televised.
10. I really do love my job. No really!
11. We might not get paid enough, but we have a bloody good time.
12. “She’s had a lot to drink”. Oh I seeeee. So that’s why my boots are covered in vomit. Cheers mate!
13. Taxi drivers, your journey is not as important as mine, believe me. So, consider the following:
– Get out of the fast lane.
– Move off the double yellow lines and let us park near our patient.
– Look in your mirrors – that’s right, those sirens are accompanied by an Emergency Ambulance!
– Don’t just put your thumbs up when I wave you on. Actually move.
– If you park that close, I can’t get the trolley bed out.
– Under no circumstances whatsoever do you have the same traffic exemptions as us. So it’s not okay to park here, just because we are.
– Blue lights and sirens mean, quite simply, “GET OUT OF THE WAY”. They do not mean, “go on then, see if you can just get over there first”.
14. My hi-vis says ‘AMBULANCE’ on the back. Do you really think that I was the man who dragged you out of the night club because you weren’t behaving?
15. No, sorry. I’m afraid I’ll be parked here until I need to move. Yeah, even if you do bang on the back doors.
16. We’re not legally obliged to take you anywhere if you’re not ill. Even if you are, we’re still not.
17. When you get around to ‘complaining’ about me in the morning, they will ask you for a reason!
18. We’re just dealing with a patient at the moment, so get your son’s fever checked out elsewhere.
19. My tone of voice was completely justified. I’m not rude, I’m simply sober.
20. Ketamine is an anaesthetic, so no, your mate probably can’t sit up.
21. I do this because I care about people.
22. Telling Control your street and house number is a great start. Unless of course, your house (and every other house on your street) is either totally free of identification or labeled with a pretentious name, like Eden Cottage, instead.
23. Call me a ‘First Aider’ to your friend on the phone, and I’ll arrange for one to come and I’ll leave you with them!
24. Please believe me when I say that it ISN’T true that we CANNOT get a call during our ‘meal break’. Please please please believe me. If you take note of one thing in this list, let it be that.
25. You have no idea how happy it makes me when you let me do my job, you listen to me, you respect me and you say thank you.
26. I have one reason for being here: to help you. Honestly.
27. I’d love to know what you think “Emergency Ambulance” means.
28. Yes, I do have a small plaster somewhere at the bottom of my huge bag. I will not, however, be happy to root through all of my equipment to give it to you, and I CERTAINLY will not fill out all this paperwork for that ripped fingernail. There’s a Boots down the road though. Or, on the off-chance that I am feeling really nice and do find you a plaster, you can piss off if you think I’m putting it on for you.
29. I’ll show you my ID when I’m not propping your friend’s head up while he spits vomit in my face. Who in their right mind would impersonate ambulance staff in order to do that? For now, you’ll have to take the 4 and a half tonne ambulance and my full uniform for identification. Plus the fact that you called 999, and I showed up at the location you stated, for the person you told us about – minus the breathing difficulty, of course.
30. You’re wasting our time. Not much will annoy me more than you giggling about it.
Thanks for sharing your list Tom, I am sure that we can all match at least 80% of those.
However, has he missed any? DO you have any ‘Pearls of Wisdom’ to add to Toms List? Leave a comment and share the giggles with the rest of us!!