Im starting to get a little stir crazy!
This is another one of my rambling posts which has no real structure or point. Im just feeling a little down and thought I would use the therapy that is my blog to just empty my brain of some thoughts!
With going away on holiday, then my time in hospital and my time off from work recovering, Its going to be almost a month away from work (apart from one shift) by the time I get back.
I have to be honest and say that I am really starting to miss it now. You may think that Im a bit of a saddo for thinking like that, but when you are so passionate about what you do for a living, when you cant do it, theres a little bit of a gap somewhere.
At the beginning of the year, I wrote about how my priorities had changed and how I had dropped out of all of the committees I was in and all the extra studying, teaching and university courses that I was doing. I decided there and then, that my family were now going to take precedence in my life and work would come second (albeit, a close second).
However, whilst I am off work, I really am starting to feel a bit useless, and it makes you question what actually makes you who you are. Mrs Medic999 and I were talking just yesterday about this. We were joking on and having digs at each other and she was saying that I would be nothing without her (said in good humour, honest). I replied that I was a good paramedic before meeting her but probably became a better one after being ‘grounded’ by her.
I always had a bit of a reputation with those that I worked with (and still do to some extent). I think everyone would agree that I have always been regarded as a good paramedic. I have mentioned in the past, that many say they would like me to look after them or there family if they every needed help from the emergency services. However, in my early years I was a bit of a pratt and I know that I rubbed people up the wrong way. Some felt that I was being big headed with what I knew, some felt intimidated by me, some just thought I was a right “|!% !
Since being with Mrs999, she is like my conscience on my shoulder, I obviously talk things through with her and many times she has given me valuable advice which has resulted in me making a better non clinical management decision than maybe I was going to make initially. She will make a fantastic Paramedic Team Leader, much better than me, when the time is right (but shhhh, dont tell her I said that).
After I decided to focus on family rather than career (to a point), I felt very calm at work, not always looking to see what vacancies were coming up in HQ, not constantly volunteering my time for various projects, but instead, just doing my job to the best of my abilities, then coming home to my family. I think that for the first time in my professional life, I am not trying to define myself by what I have or am trying to achieve, and I am really happy feeling like that.
The problem comes now though, when I am unable to work. If I am not a paramedic, working in my ambulance or rapid response car, then what am I?
I try my best at being a good husband and a good father. I think I do okay, but I know I am not perfect (there is a WHOLE back story to this which isnt for this blog though), but when I cannot work, I feel that is all that I am – just trying to be a good partner and parent. Now, I know that is a huge and important responsibility, and it is something to strive to be the best that I can be, but I am also a paramedic.
I need to be out there doing my job. I need to feel that I am making a difference in someones life. I need to come in from work thinking that I did a good days work and that there are satisfied and appreciative patients and famillies out there because of what I have said and done. Maybe its all just selfish and self absorbed, but I am sure that most of us are in the job because they want to feel needed, I know thats a big part for me.
Whilst I have been off, its been even harder due to Mrs999 going into work and coming home, telling me about some of the big jobs that she has been at, asking me what I would have done in that situation etc etc. Is it wrong that I get a bit huffy and jealous when she is telling me all about her day?
Im just fed up with being at home. I want to get back to work and get stuck in again!
Ive only been away 4 weeks, I cant imagine what it would be like if I had a long term injury or couldnt work on the ambulances again for whatever reason.
One of my close colleagues and friends recently left the service after an injury to his neck which occurred at work. He was early on in his career at the time and had aspirations of becoming a paramedic and progressing through the ranks. Following a difficult lift with a time critical patient, he injured in his neck and that was it……career over! Im sure he will succeed in whatever he chooses to do now, but I cant help but imagine that there must be a void somewhere for him where he feels cheated that he didn’t get to achieve what was possible for him. I was with him when he injured his neck and although I know that neither of us were responsible for what happened, I still sometimes feel partially responsible. I was the senior member of staff on scene and maybe I could have done things differently (although its easy to look back in hindsight), however, I know that this was a true emergency situation with a very time critical patient and in the end, we did what we had to do. But my mate paid a big price for his dedication! I know he reads this blog, and I hope he realises that he is missed on station.
I do my job the way I do….not necessarily by the book all the time, but certainly with very sound clinical rationale for everything that I do, because I love this job. I will not do anything to risk losing my position. Think of it this way, If im down in the dumps after being off for 4 weeks, imagine what i would be like if I got fired, injured, made redundant etc and couldn’t practice as a paramedic ever again!!
It doesnt bear thinking about!